| Cold Opening | Nightline |
| John Henry Kurtz | ... | announcer Voice |
| Jim Breuer | ... | Stephen Hawking |
| Darrell Hammond | ... | Ted Koppel |
| Steve Higgins | ... | computer Voice |
| Tim Meadows | ... | Michael Jackson Live |
| Cheri Oteri | ... | Barbara Walters |
| Nancy Walls | ... | Diane Sawyer |