| Cold Opening | Nightline |
| Jim Breuer | ... | cult member |
| Will Ferrell | ... | Marshall Applewhite |
| Will Ferrell | ... | announcer Voice |
| Ana Gasteyer | ... | cult member |
| Darrell Hammond | ... | Ted Koppel |
| Chris Kattan | ... | cult member |
| Mark McKinney | ... | Zantar Live |
| Tim Meadows | ... | cult member |
| Cheri Oteri | ... | cult member |