| Show | National Inquirer Theatre |
| Madonna | ... | Marilyn Monroe |
| Joan Cusack | ... | Clara |
| Robert Downey Jr. | ... | Elvis Presley |
| Nora Dunn | ... | Maura Cornell |
| Anthony Michael Hall | ... | Bobby Kennedy |
| Jon Lovitz | ... | Eric Brewer |
| Randy Quaid | ... | John F. Kennedy |
| Terry Sweeney | ... | Ted Kennedy |
| Danitra Vance | ... | Demona |
⁕An opening voiceover is added in reruns.
⁕In reruns, one of Jon Lovitz's responses is replaced with the dress rehearsal version.