| Sketch | Attack Of The Colossal Killer Lincoln |
| George Steinbrenner | ... | soldier |
| Dana Carvey | ... | Billy |
| Phil Hartman | ... | Lincoln statue |
| Phil Hartman | ... | announcer Voice |
| Jan Hooks | ... | visitor |
| Victoria Jackson | ... | motorist |
| Kevin Nealon | ... | motorist |
| Chris Farley | ... | soldier |
| Chris Rock | ... | soldier |
| Tom Davis | ... | Jefferson statue |
⁕In reruns, one of Phil Hartman's reaction shots is replaced with the dress rehearsal version.