| Cold Opening | Military Briefing |
| Dana Carvey | ... | reporter |
| Phil Hartman | ... | Dick Cheney |
| Jan Hooks | ... | reporter |
| Mike Myers | ... | reporter |
| Kevin Nealon | ... | Lt. Colonel William Pierson Live |
| Chris Farley | ... | reporter |
| Tim Meadows | ... | reporter |
| Julia Sweeney | ... | reporter |
| Rob Schneider | ... | Farud Hashami |
| Leslie Carangi | ... | reporter |
| Tom Davis | ... | reporter |
| Conan O'Brien | ... | reporter |
⁕Tim Meadows' question is replaced with the dress rehearsal version in reruns. In the live show, he is wearing the same facial prosthetics used to play Colin Powell later in the episode.